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Cracked.com's Eve Callout


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#1 WeApologise4TheIncon

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Posted 13 October 2013 - 04:29 PM

Taken from the article:

"6 Groundbreaking Ways Video Games Are Screwing Players"

#2. EVE Online -- Manual Autopilot

EVE Online is the most exciting and vibrant video game universe ever created, as long as you only ever read about it from the outside once a year. (Why not read about the $17,000 assassination, exploding a thousand dollars for free, or the Ultimate Video Game Dick Move right now?) Actually playing it is like being one of the attackers in the Battle of Helm's Deep: Something awesome is happening, but most of your life has been boring drudgery and now you're going to be killed by characters who've been here longer.

EVE Online tries to replace the player's real life, mainly by preventing him from having one to compare it against. In EVE, time is literally money: You buy PLEX for playing time, and these PLEX can be used as currency. Every player shares the same gigantic persistent universe, which sounds impressive but means that the main gameplay mechanic is "commuting." Ships hopscotch across the universe from stargate to stargate. This can take hours, which is why you have an autopilot, and that autopilot might as well be a self-destruct system. It dumps your ship out of warp 15 km from the next gate, tootling along at sublight in places where only autopiloted craft ever go, in a universe where every other player is a piranha with a warp drive. You might as well set your ship to transmit "FREE KILL HERE!" and replace the autopilot with a starmoth attracted by enemy laser fire.

The thing is, your ship can totally warp directly to the next gate. There's no imaginary physics or warp bubble stopping it. Your autopilot just refuses to do it. So the fastest way to get from place to place is to run the autopilot, turn it off when you're warping, manually arrive at the next gate, then manually turn the autopilot back on to launch the next jump. When you're remaining at your keyboard to save your autopilot the bother of doing its job, you don't know what "autopilot" means. You also don't know what "games" and "fun" mean, because you're staring at a flying stars screensaver for most of your play time. It's an antimeditation system: forcing you to contemplate endless nothingness but stay focused only on the most trivial material aspects of our world.

Making the multimillion-dollar EVE Online game functionally identical to a Windows 3.1 screensaver.

It's an efficient way to dilute half an hour of gameplay over an entire day, which is EVE's entire design strategy. The gate frequency is perfectly timed to disrupt your thought processes at regular intervals, preventing you from escaping or thinking of anything else happier or better. It's Chinese water torture applied to game design.

Thousands of players worked out how to get the autopilot to do its actual job and were banned from the game. Bots and scripts are normally evil, but when the game is specifically designed to trap you in a prison of minimalist data entry where you press three keys a minute, that's not cheating, that's psychological self-defense. Altering the autopilot code was less a hack than a basic intelligence test.
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#2 Daniel Wittaker

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Posted 13 October 2013 - 06:55 PM

That's either superb satire or catastrophic mental retardation.

#3 Gennosuke Kouga

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Posted 13 October 2013 - 07:30 PM

Mental retardation
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#4 Indy Indy

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Posted 13 October 2013 - 07:33 PM

What are gates?
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#5 Cedric deBouilard

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Posted 15 October 2013 - 12:41 PM

So the fastest way to get from place to place is to run the autopilot, turn it off when you're warping, manually arrive at the next gate, then manually turn the autopilot back on to launch the next jump


wait...what?

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#6 Thabink

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Posted 15 October 2013 - 12:48 PM

Actually it's out of date but that used to be true when we didn't have the warp-to-and-jump command. Start warping, right click the gate and Set As First Waypoint and then hit autopilot so you'd jump at the other end and stop. It required slightly less interaction time than hitting jump, waiting for the loading screen and then warping, and it meant if you went afk for a moment you'd idle gate cloaked in the next system instead of on top of the out gate, so it was slightly safer.
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#7 Yakumo Chidori

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 10:08 AM

Mental retardation

This.


What are gates?


This.

Yes, I am back. Missed my shitposting? ;)

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#8 Maleg Yanumano

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Posted 29 October 2013 - 10:11 AM

Yes, I am back. Missed my shitposting? ;)


Who are you?

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